you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
