So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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