he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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