like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
