There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
