I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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