Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
