Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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