I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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