I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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