Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
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NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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