If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We're too hungover to prance.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
