Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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