next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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