Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
