Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
