It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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