Pappa wants mamma naked
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
is wine microwaveable?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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