You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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