from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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