i permit you to call me
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
