I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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