I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
