you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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