I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
