Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
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