just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
