I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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