He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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