come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
