T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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