I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
