I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
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What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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