Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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