C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
