dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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