Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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