I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
