That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
