Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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