Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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