Small penises have feelings too.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize