my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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