My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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