I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
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