I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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