there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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