If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
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