So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
