is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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