Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
