I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
