pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
