Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
