My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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