i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
