I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
