He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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